Level One n00b in Action at Deathstar

The bad tie is a dead giveaway (June 29, 2007).



Uff Duh. I dunno where to start with this guy. Anyway, I sent this video to Andrew to dissect . . . just a first little test to see if he's Team Munster-worthy.

Team Munster Expands

The big guns at Piper finally approved another position for my office. So I hired Andrew. Nice guy, though his ties flat out suck. We're working on that.

Paul, Viv, and Judy are naturally elated because they've got more help tracking Google, Baidu, and the other stuff we're responsible for while I spend every waking moment on the Apple.

I wonder how big Team Wu and and Tream Reitzes are, lol.

Where's MY aapl fortune?

I'm not a complainer by nature.

But I have to say, it gets a little tough watching Munster Nation on this wealth-tear while I can't invest in aapl and goog. It's nice being able to visit the nuns on their island but it would be so much cooler to have my own.

So if you have any suggestions, please send 'em along. I promise to share them with Judy, Viv, and Paul.

Did I mention I love this job?

It was a great week to follow the Piper to wealth.

Apple stock rose $9.32. Did I mention I have a $211 target on it? (n00bs, take note... please)

Even better -- Paul finished the migration to my new PiperExpress workstation in a record 4 days. And it's a darn good thing, because he'll spend the next week opening all the gifts and cards piling up in the office.

Here's a sample:

Dear Gene,

Lute's down at the bank, meeting with Ed about the 32 cent difference between the checkbook and the bank statement. So, anyhoo, I've got a minute to send off this thanks. This morning I peeked at my Piper account online. I see we've gained $213,383.52 this last week. That's right nice Gene. Just last Sunday Lute was talking about giving $268.17 to Our Savior's for the roof repair fund. I 'm pretty sure we can do that and rest easy.

Many thanks Gene. Please accept the enclosed 100% polyester monogrammed Gamper's Food Liquor and Bowling shirt. Really, it's nothing!

Sincerely,

Nellie and Lute Olson
Moose Lake, MN

Yes, it is good to be me.

Why this job is so much fun

As Munster Nation is well aware, I've been busy raising estimates for iPhone and iPod sales. It's a tough job. But without today's Piper report you'd be choking on curdled cottage cheese. Yes, I'm your oasis in the desert.

Anyway, I can't decide which is better -- the report on the frivolous lawsuit du jour or NYT's "iPhone Linked to Rising Crime Rates."

I'm glad I have Viv and Paul to vet this stuff.

And that Sewell Chan noob needs a swift kick in the patootie, by the way.

Hey Moritz!

Did ya cover yet?

Call me!

n00b.

Trading Desk Chatter Redux

Appears they pick up the chatter skills in prison. See here

Anyway, this OJ thing is pure garbage . . . but there is some validity to the rumor that Jobs is in frequent contact with an advanced alien race.

Cramer & Krusty

He wants to know what I think of these glam pics . . . he's trying to
move up from the CNBC gig. He's auditioning for understudy to Krusty
the Clown. What do you all think?

Gardner Chumping the Bumper Again

You betcha, that chump at Citigroup raised his target to $185 (from $160) on Apple today. Viv says they have to let my upgrades age before jumping in line behind the Piper. Hey, the Citigroup 1-800-telepsychic says 2.17 million Macs will be sold in the September quarter.

Folks you can follow the Piper to wealth or give your money to the posers.

Gardner: Keep sucking my fumes. You're too low.

About the trading desk "chatter"

I've seen this kind of note passing at Our Lady of Prosperity, and frankly, it frosts my tomatoes. Sitting in the center of the class ("M" for Munster or "P" for Piper always gets me a coveted middle position) is an advantage. So, yah, I caught this one before it got very far.

Fake Steve would call this 'bad karma', but folks, this gossipy behavior is just plain SIN. You betcha, you can go to hell for it. 

Don't do it.

AT&T Confirms My Analysis

Not to appear overly boastful, but look here.
Money quote from the AT&T Prez: The iPhone is to other phones what broadband is to dial-up.
Take this very seriously folks. Word is he aced the word analogies section on the SAT.

iPhone: Game Changer©

Troy: Poser or hoser?

Judy can't even stand his stuff, and she'll read just about anyone when we're doing research.

Anyone have a link to something newsworthy from Troy? Perhaps a piece of fine investigative journalism?

Anyone?

Didn't think so.

Troy, you're a blogger in reporter's clothing (clothing without a tie, I might add).

The Missing 'One More Thing" --- Because You Need to Go Straight to God

I know, I know. it's hard to keep up with my iPhone sales
predictions. You're saying, "Gene, is it 13,500 a day in the US, or
is it 27,000? And then today I suddenly add 3,750 more in the UK. So
now you're anxiously waiting for my estimates for Andorra, Gibraltar,
and Easter Island, not to mention the microdata for Owatonna and thatplace in western Ireland.

This is for you, because you're tired of the frantic searching, day
in and out, at the seedy CNBC and Street.com brothels.

You all wondered what the latest 'missing button' was. Well you heard it
here first.

Munstercast (TM). Take that Cramer.

Dread filled my heart and my palms ran with sweat

The email announced that a new PiperExpress workstation has been ordered to replace my current leased workstation.

I’ve been to hell before. Everytime a new PeeCee shows up I’m down for at least a week. Yah, I bet it will be another snazzy grey or black “corporate” model.

“It is recommended that you run the migration process at the end of the day. Due to fluctuations in data size and network traffic the migration process can take up to several hours to complete. Laptop Users: Please only attempt to run the migration process from your docking station at Piper.”

I work from home! I travel! You guys have any idea why we have laptops?

“In order for you to receive your new workstation you will need to close all open applications and click the Migration Tool button below within the next 24 hours. Failing to close applications could result in data not being transferred to new PC."

You betcha. Exactly what happened last time. The migration tool failed. Twice. Four days without a computer. I’m a Senior Financial Analyst, not some n00b! What are they thinking in IT? During that nightmare episode I had to have Paul spend a day transferring the files manually.

Hasn’t anyone in Piper IT ever owned a Mac? Apple solved the migration issue years ago.

I guess Paul will have to earn his pay again.

Vivian ran into my office the other day

Flushed with excitement

“It’s $159!” she blurts.

“What’s $159”?

“The Zune, on Amazon!”

“Wasn’t it $249 a couple weeks ago?” I rub my chin thoughfully. “Ya’ think customers will start requesting a credit at the Microsoft store?”

She laughs, crows actually, and begins to pale. Fortunately I’ve positioned my oak credenza (next promotion I get cherry) to catch her 90 pound frame if she faints.

Piper encourages employees to pursue outside interests, which run the usual range, from adopting foreign-born children and building Habitat homes in Minnetonka to serving the homeless at the Dorothy Day Center. Viv’s latest is penning a book with the working title Zuned: Another Microsoft Hardware Blunder. I wish I’d had the idea. Sure to be a bestseller in the business category. Microsoft stuff is far more entertaining than fiction.

“How’s that going?"

“Swimmingly. 72,344 words, but the Amazon price cut adds at least 71.” Her eyes narrow smugly. “I’ve moved “A to Z: Big Product Naming Mistake” to chapter three. Did you know Zune is listed LAST on the alphabetical MP3 player product list on Amazon? Customers never even get down to that link!”

“Yeah, what were they thinking?” I chide.

“And,” Viv shoots off rapid-fire, “guess who’s  listed FIRST?”

“No idea.” (not)

“Apple iPod!”

“Well, there you go Viv. I can’t wait to read that chapter.”

“Gene, you’re gonna love it. I’m off to call my agent.”

“Agent?” Geez, this is more serious than I thought.

She reddens. “OK, he doesn’t know he’s my agent yet. But when I drop the fact I work with Gene Munster, oh, it's a slam dunk. I mean, gosh almighty, you even know Jim Cramer!”

“Right.”

She spins on her heel and heads for the door, then stops.

“Oh, by the way -- great tie.”

“Thanks Viv.”

So, the Double-Slot Toaster Calls Me

"Geno! It's me, Jimmy C from Mad Money! Am I on your Jesus phone?"

"Nah. *cough* What an honor."

"Booyah! No, Geno, the honor is mine!"

"That's what I meant"

"You feeling OK Geno? You sound like you're stuck in a tar pit."

"I'm in Minnesota." (and please don't visit)

"Doesn't that share a border with Cramerica?"

"It must be true if you say so James."

"Some of my best fans call from Minnesota."

"I believe it."

"Geno, I called you the greatest Apple analyst for a very good reason."

(No kidding, n00b) "Yah?"

"On Monday I'll be putting one worm on the Apple during the lightning round . . . and I'm scouting for a good line. Something fresh to awe the lemmings. So whatcha got for Jimbo?"

"One worm? Heck I can send you fifty worms. I've got a can of 'em in my Lund."

"I don't use real worms -- it's a "sell half" signal. Well, actually it's half-of-a-half-of-the-half-from-the-last-sell, but don't worry. This line's SEC-free."

"Uh, right."

"Gene, pal, a good word from me will get you on Power Lunch. That show's hotter than my sound board! And how 'bout a free subscription to my Action Alerts PLUS? You have ANY idea what THAT'S worth?"

"Well no. (but that and 50 cents will barely get you a ringtone) Look, my research and targets are all out there in press releases. I gotta go. Tonight is bowling league with the Piper guys, and I need to swing by the house to pick up my shirt and G-Ball ---"

Damn you Munster! You're tighter than a --"

Two-Slots, I've gotta run. Later."

Memo from my Competitive Intelligence Team

I don't usually share confidential inside info, but this crossed my desk yesterday. What the hay. Enjoy.

To: Gene
From: Viv and Paul
Re: Vista Sales Fit in a Doggie Bag
See latest survey here.


Fleas reportedly are included only with Ultimate, Home Premium, Home Basic, Business and Enterprise Vista packages.

FSJ: Jealous Munster Hater

Look here.

First off, let me say that the REAL Steve loves me. You don't believe he hangs on my every word? Just ask the folks in Wabasha.

FSJ, I'm sorry (NOT) you weren't following my calls on AAPL these past years. Yes, you'd be a millionaire by now, but instead you're driven to the backwaters of imposter bloggers. Poser.

I mean, who masquerades as fake someone else, someone of great fame and integrity, to earn their daily lutefisk?

Pathetic. Seriously.

Erin, you disappoint me

C'mon, confusing moi with the clueless poser analysts at UBS?

$182? $182? You and CNBC know my target is $211.

Oh pulleeze. Don't tell me this was an intentional 'accidental error', due to you bucking for a free ride on the Piper jet.

Be advised: If Piper EVER lets me fly anything but Northworst Airlines, well Erin, you're off my A-list.